Wow, ironically, that title sort of sounds like a bad accounting pun, I realize, but here are the truths and the stats and the low-down and the what-for.

First, let me say that the past couple of months, even before I took this job, I kept finding myself in situations where I could and many times did use the power of my words to hurt, harm and invoke. I’ve decided not to do this here. Yeah, I’m human; therefore, I’ve got feelings and opinions and all that other drama whipping around inside my head about this whole entire shit-storm. But I’ve made a choice to not spread or perpetuate that poison anymore. This means that you, my dear readers, will not be getting the dramatic deets of my recent choice of unemployment.

The only thing worth mentioning is that I’m heart-sick that this job didn’t work out and I can only believe that my choice was the best for all involved; the proof I have of this is that here I am, sitting with this choice I’ve made.

So, here I am . . . Albuquerque has not been easy. I’ve been here about six weeks and in that time I’ve endured moving half-way across the country with a cat, getting asked to leave my new digs, living in a hotel, moving two more times, being really sick, getting news of my granny being really sick, car breaking down, (happily, but still heavily) getting the whammy news of my 100% sis-tah, and now, making the difficult decision to quit my job. Allow me to re-iterate. Six weeks! Endure has really been my word lately.

I give it up. I’m trading ENDURE for another word, a nicer word. How ’bout this for my new word: EXPANSIVE. (And no, I’m not talking about weight gain.)

I’m staying here in ABQ - no, not forever - ABQ isn’t my long-term bag, baby. Just for the terms of my lease. I have a great sublettor in my bungalow. Why not? Life’s my adventure. I’m here right now and I’ve got some shit planned and I’m in a beautiful part of the country. So, watch out world!

Special thank-you’s go out to all my friends who’ve given me boundless love, encouragement and support about my decision. You all know who you are and I could not have made it through this without your accolades, kind ears and non-judgemental boosts to my nearly broken spirit. You’ve all helped me find Anna again, and quite quickly, I must add.

Here’s a quote from Nan Terrell Reed about life. “They told me that life could be all I could make it, life could be fashioned and worn like a gown. I, the designer, mine the descision, whether to wear it with bonnet or crown . . . .” Or in my case, heeled boots, cute little dresses and occasionally a rhinestone-studded kitty-cat collar.

As promised . . . .

My wake up call was a couple of weeks ago - the evening I drove home from work actually believing that it would probably be a good idea to drive my car over the edge of the ravine and down, down, down into the dust and the cacti and the rattlesnakes below. At that moment, the mind-body connection subconciously kicked in and my foot hit the gas pedal and the steering wheel kind of stuttered in my shaking hands. And I knew then that I was in potentially big trouble. Then my inner voice gave stern warning, “Sister, you’d better watch yourself, because it’s easier to make this kind of thing happen than you might think . . .”

And, I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve been crying alot in the past few weeks. Uncontrollable, spastic, choking on my own long hair kind of heaving sobs. My mother suggested I get on Vitamin P, but popping anti-depressants is not an option for me. When I wasn’t crying, I was doing everything I could to paste a fake smile on my face and not crack up into tears.

There’s alot I don’t remember from the past few weeks. Blank spaces of time. That’s when I was angry. I’ve also been very, very angry . . . just a blind kind of rage that I certainly didn’t recognize as . . . . ME.

Then I began to envision myself ‘falling’ down flights of stairs . . . . and I knew. Something had to change. What was causing all this stress in the form of facial twitches, a strange rash in the area of my third eye chakra and chest hives?

My job, that’s what. So, I did the only thing I could do. The scariest thing I could imagine. In Eleanor Roosevelt’s words I did that thing I thought I could not do. I quit my job.

Yes, it was scary. This coming from a girl who has spent the night in the middle of jungles with marauding panthers. But in order to be reborn, one must first suffer a small death.

Those first moments were the most difficult ones after I hung up from that late-evening phone call on Thursday night to my boss. The fear creeped in, but I saw it creeping in. And so, I just began to say “Thank you, thank you, thank you . . . ” over and over again with outstretched arms toward the kitchen window and the fear melted away and I had a private conversation with the universe and I re-programmed my mind to know and believe and live with the absolute knowing that not only was everything going to be OK, but that everything would be indeed wonderful and beautiful.

At that moment, I looked down and realized I was wearing my New Person Being Born monkey shirt. I began to run around the house, yelling, “New Person Being Born! New Anna Being Born!”