1. Take a nap. For as long as I want. This may take a couple of days.

2. Take a nice long bath. If I can find a bathtub. Except for one fleeting moment, I’ve had only shower access for months. Strange.

3. Pamper my feet. This article explains how chipped nail polish is all in vogue. Apparently chipped toe polish is still faux pas. Here I go again, forging new trends without even knowing it.

4. Read an entire book. One whole book.

5. Find a rain storm to stand in the middle of.

6. Write.

7. Go on a serious bender.

8. Detox.

9. Light something on fire.

10. Abide.

On a film production, the office space is always in some dirty, janky hole. The wiring and computers are never quite ergonomically set-up, there are always some kind of little annoying hoops to jump through and we all just kind of deal with it because the nature of our jobs are reactionary and very temporary. I’ve battled sandstorms, critters, paint fumes, lack of windows and insane property owners in the past . . . here’s the list of annoyances and funny details about this particular place.

1. The Asbestos! There are notices pasted on the walls cautioning that any dust created here could release asbestos. Great! (I think you’re OK if you don’t lick the windowsills, but I’ve taped everything to my walls in lieu of thumb-tacking.)

2. Hot Water Heater and Cardboard box holding pen = same tiny closet. That’s smart.

3. The front door handle mysteriously broke yesterday. Great, one more thing. You can get inside, but you just can’t leave.

4. The lamp lights flicker (only in my windowless room) in tandem with the copy machine. Every day I have a seizure right around noon.

5. A family of hawks live on top of the building.

6. The upside down bathtub in the parking lot has been here for at least two years - left behind by a different film company.

7. Betty White is tired of your shit! It’s true. The sign in the women’s restroom says so.

8. The Indian sari that hangs on my office wall is a portal to another dimension. (Just checkin’ to see if you are paying attention.)

9. The carpet smells kinda funny from when the place had homeless squatters living here.

10. We have an infestation of palmetto bugs . . . in the water fountain.

1.     Always ask for your dressing on the side. Trust me. Even if you’ve requested half the normal amount of dressing, you still are going to want your lettuce to not be floating in an ocean of caesar.

2.     It’s really difficult to find dark green lettuce. Or hummus. At least within a five mile radius of a mall.

3.     Try not to smack the kids at *insert unnamed restaurant here* who pronounce Minestrone as “min-est-rohn.”

4.     Don’t ask to try “just one grit.” It doesn’t work that way.

5.     Piggly Wiggly doesn’t carry that soy milk you’re looking for - but if you’re looking for chitlins or gizzards, check it out.

6.     Avoid the numerous street corners lined with Bojangle’s. The smell is intoxicating and might be enough to make you crack. (Although I’ve proudly refrained thus far.)

7.     Beware: These people are sweet tea pushers. Just say No!  

8.     Stock up on your Emer-Gen-C stash before arrival. It’s difficult to find.

9.     If you’re skinny, they try to tie you down and force feed fried food down your gullet.

10.   If you say you don’t eat dairy products, they don’t think that cheese counts.